I wish that since my last post things for me had changed. However, they haven't. I am still struggling with a depression I've never experienced. I feel like a failure in personal, spiritual and physical aspects of my being. I honestly feel like someone trapped in a bubble and I'm watching what is going on in my life screaming "Fix that stupid" and yet watching myself make the same mistakes over and over again. It is a horrible nightmare.
After a long chat with my husband today I believe that I have the accountability that I need through him now. We discussed my feelings, my actions and my doubts. He was truly an amazing man as he listened to all I had to say and with love he then gave me wisdom and encouragement. Both of which I needed desperately.
Since moving to Atlanta, I have watched myself slip into oblivion and thought I had no way out of the deep abyss I now find myself in. Knowing in my head that God will see me through and knowing in my head that there is light at the end of the tunnel but feeling in my heart heavy and trapped. What a frightful feeling. I know I am not out of the dark yet but I at least feel a hand holding mine in the dark. The Lord definitely sends us exactly what we need at the exact moment we need it.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Struggling
The last few days for me have been an uphill battle. I have no idea why. I just know that every moment seems like a huge struggle. I don't want to get out of bed. I seem to only fight with my kids. I trudge through school. I procrastinate on dinner till I'm frustrated and just wanna scream.
I have found myself slipping into an oblivion and don't care that I am. Several verses keep popping into my head... "Look to the ant, you sluggard.", "Think on whatever is righteous, pure and true" and many others. I think my prayer to the Lord is all that is holding this shred of anything together. Somehow he is giving me the strength I have (ever so little it seems) to trudge through this dismal day.
My prayer is that each day I will hold on to a little more of His strength and a little less of the selfish me that has seemed to take over my whole being. I want to stand up tall and be a loving mom whom her kids will always be proud to say "That's my Mom". I want to be the wife that has the home ready for her husbands arrival. I want to be the teacher that makes learning fun. I am currently failing in all accounts but I know my Lord has better things for me, I just need to give up myself and see the wonderful life he has for me instead.
I have found myself slipping into an oblivion and don't care that I am. Several verses keep popping into my head... "Look to the ant, you sluggard.", "Think on whatever is righteous, pure and true" and many others. I think my prayer to the Lord is all that is holding this shred of anything together. Somehow he is giving me the strength I have (ever so little it seems) to trudge through this dismal day.
My prayer is that each day I will hold on to a little more of His strength and a little less of the selfish me that has seemed to take over my whole being. I want to stand up tall and be a loving mom whom her kids will always be proud to say "That's my Mom". I want to be the wife that has the home ready for her husbands arrival. I want to be the teacher that makes learning fun. I am currently failing in all accounts but I know my Lord has better things for me, I just need to give up myself and see the wonderful life he has for me instead.
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